Friday, December 11, 2009

Dear Dad

I miss you, nothing more, nothing less. I just freaking miss you so much now it hurts. I'm trying to get into the spirit of Christmas for your Grandchildren but this year it's harder and I'm not sure why. I don't want to wrap their stocking stuffers, I don't want to remember what I was doing Christmas Eve 2003 when Chris called me to tell me you'd "gone". This year I hate stocking stuffers, I think Marc needs to take over the job of wrapping them up, wrapping them brings back memories of that phone call and I don't want to remember it. I want to remember Christmas Eves of years past when Chris and I were younger and you and Mum would take us to the sweet shop next to where you worked and we would go into that back room and just walk up and down the aisles looking at all the sweets, the chocolate Father Christmas's and chocolate baubles that you would buy us to hang on the tree, the mini Christmas crackers that we would put on the boughs and the sugar mice that we were always allowed to eat when we got home. I want to remember walking home, you pushing your bike, Mum pulling her trolley filled with all the goodies and then we would get to Harris's where we would choose our perfect tree, once we'd picked one out you'd load it up onto your bike and we'd take it home and get it decorated just in time for Father Christmas's visit in the night. Thank you for always letting me put the fairy on top. I want to remember the times of just you and I together taking the holly wreathes around to the cemetery to put on your parents grave, that time we spent just the 2 of us meant so much to me, I guess I never really thought about or wondered why that became our tradition. How come Mum and Chris never came too ?
I want to remember the letters that Father Christmas would write to us, always via a type writer and how his signature always looked so much like your handwriting.
How about when you played Father Christmas for Mum's Mother's group Christmas party ? Remember me sitting on your lap, looking down at your feet and exclaiming for the whole world to hear "You're wearing my Daddy's shoes" ? I always wondered why Mum would get a smooch from Father Christmas under the mistletoe at all the Christmas parties, it wasn't until years later that I found out it was you, damn you played the part well, Clement C Moore could have been talking about you in his book "Twas The Night Before Christmas" Your eyes twinkled, you had the dimples and rosy cheeks, the little round belly, you were chubby and plump, you were perfect for the part, thanks for being that Dad that all the other kids wanted,I was the lucky one, you were mine.
Well, after that little trip down memory lane I don't hurt quite so much you left a lot of good memories,you may not be with me physically but you are still very much alive in my memories, it's just working through what I want to house and what I want to discard, I'll keep Christmas, that was the best. From now on Marc gets to do the stocking stuffers and I'll write the Santa letters just like you used to.
I love you Dad, Merry Christmas !!!


Erin said...

I'm so sorry for your loss; it's clear you loved your Dad very, very much. This is a lovely post in his honor.

stephanie joy said...

such a hard thing when a loved one passes on during the holidays. thinking about you, penny! so many hugs sent your way!!!

fittingly, i'm listening to chris tomlin's 'i will rise' right now.
hopefully it'll give you some peace...

Emma said...

Such a beautiful tribute to the wonderful man you were blessed to call Dad. It is so evident how close the two of you were and will continue to be as you remember such joyful memories as these. Merry Christmas, Penny! (((hugs)))

Kelli said...

I pray for you that you continue to find solace in the good memories of your father. This was beautifully written and so touching I was crying as I read it. xx

Kat's Credence said...

Your words are just as beautiful as the memories you speak so fondly of, as sweet as the love you shared with your dad! Sorry the holidays bring such bittersweet emotions, but you are blessed with so much, the then has carried over into the now and will continue to do so into the future, the love will never go away!

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